A collection of Business Humour from around the world
There are three things that we can all certainly expect in this lifetime Death, Taxes, and the certainty that at some point in our lives we will have to wade through the mean… classified ads in the newspapers in search of a job. So, to make your quest a little easier, I’ve compiled a quick and easy reference to what all that jargon and gibberish in the vacancy ads really mean…
Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in your future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management trainee position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You’ll handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the boss’s travel arrangements.
Quick Problem Solver: You will work on projects which are already months behind schedule.
Strong communication skills: You will deal with documentation and write tons of letters.
And of course, if you actually decide to take the job, the next step is usually the employment interview. So you get out your best business outfit. Do research on the company and the product. Read up on current affairs, so that you’ll seem in touch and knowledgeable about the world around you. But all this will be to no avail unless you make a memorable impression on the interviewers. But not quite the way the following candidates actually made an impression. This is not fiction. These are actual remarks made by candidates during various interviews held in real life. Here are a few remarks…
“Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct”. “At times, I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking”. “Do I have to dress for the next interview”? “Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay”? “Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons”? “Does your health insurance cover pets”? “I am fascinated by fire”?
“I feel uneasy indoors”. “I get excited very easily”. “I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement”. “I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?” “I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.” “I like tall women.” “I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker”. “I never get hungry.”
“I think I’m going to throw-up”. “I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington”. “I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.” “If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back”. “If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival”. “My legs are really hairy.”
“Once a week, I usually feel hot all over”. “People are always watching me.”
“Sometimes I feel like smash ing things”. “What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?” “What is it that you people do at this company?”. “What is the company motto?”
“Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex”. “Why am I here?” “Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”. “Why do you want references?”
“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”. “Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”. “Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars”. “Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time”. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Applicant said if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Candidate dozed off during interview.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals were to replace the interviewer.
Candidate fell and broke an arm during the interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Interviewee had a Walkman explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.